I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
