Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it hurts more in the daytime
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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