I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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