Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
