It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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