Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
