____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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