Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
