actually, I'm a sock model
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
