Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
