Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
now i know why i became what i already was.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
