She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
