Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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