So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
