Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
