Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
