I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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