Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
