You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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