she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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