he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
