I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
two words: eviction party
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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