Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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