I wannas sexs uuuuu
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
