She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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