The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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