hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
