I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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