now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
