how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
