I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
