Umm I'm too high to move.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
