Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
