I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Randomize
