yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
