Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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