i need an iv and a liver transplant
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
