She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
