Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
