I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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