a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
