What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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