did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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