I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
