i wish my penis had a tongue
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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