I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
