you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
