ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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