You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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