Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
